Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tweet Away Your Dignity

Are you really that self-involved? "I've got to take out my cell phone and make sure everyone knows what I'm doing right now! And then again four minutes from now!" Tragic.

Incubus Greatest Hits Album? Seriously?

According to Incubus' MySpace Blog, the band will be releasing a greatest hits album next year. Thank you, Incubus, for giving me something to dissect the crap out of. I'm pretty much an Incubus loyalist, but if you asked me to make a record of Incubus' Greatest Hits, I can tell you right now it would be markedly different from what they'll be hawking this spring. I'm so ready, boys.

SMACKDOWN!: May/December Relationships

Let's rap for a moment, friends, about dating across generation gaps. Men dating younger women is nothing new in Western or even world cultures. In fact, I consider myself something of a proponent of this practice, in accordance with my belief that men are about six years behind women in the maturation process.

However, there is still something to be said for respecting the person you are dating, and I've oft observed that this respect is lacking from most May/December relationships. In particular, the older person seems to relish pointing out the foolishness of his young partner. As someone with friends of all ages, I've seen my male friends date women 10, 15, even 40 years younger, and what I've observed in all cases is a rampant disrespect for the female. And I get it. I once dated a dude four years younger than I, and I knew the whole time that I didn't respect him much at all. And being able to push him around was a great ego boost. But at the same time, I knew it wouldn't last, because I knew the foundation for a real relationship was missing. And that's fine, I suppose, if you know this is what you're signing up for. (And by "fine" I mean grossly unfair to your sprightly young partner.) The problem is, your self-serving, manipulated dynamic will only get you so far. It is temporary, and at the end of the day you (and probably all your best friends) know this is some crap farce of a relationship fostered only to serve your bruised and infantine ego, and it's doing nothing to make you a better person.

Now, if you choose to be part of this kind of relationshit, that's your prerogative. But you have to know that it's pretty unhealthy/wacked/housed, and that your friends may very possibly be looking down on you for participating in this kind of ego-based flippant disregard for the soul of your "partner." I have some friends I love dearly, but witnessing and understanding the dynamics of these relationships they cultivate changes my perception of and respect for them as individuals. Sure it's easy to feel like a Big Man when you're shaking your head and wagging your finger at your partner, or when you're remarking to your friends that you can't believe how stupid she is, but what kind of person dates someone for whom they have such rampant disdain? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to your development as a sentient being to partner with someone you revere and respect? Call me crazy, but to me this seems like a much better idea. As I said, I've been there. I get it. But I was in my early 20s then, dating a 19-year-old, and I would never put myself in that position again. I'd rather be alone than keep someone around just to use her as my personal punching bag/dumping ground.

SMACKDOWN!: Going Blonde

About six months ago I decided to go blonde. Really blonde. Not highlights, but full-on bleached-as-fuck platinum. The experience left me with chemical burns and scabs on my scalp and a completely new perception of women who choose to be bottle blondes. A world away from a simple, painless foil highlight, this process had me texting friends from my salon chair about the pain and fear of fainting, taking very deliberate breaths (trying to find my zen place), and generally trying to act normal even though my entire body began reacting to the pain (shaky limbs, spotty vision). I started contemplating why any woman would routinely subject herself to this kind of torture just to be blonde. I've accepted pain in the name of beauty countless times (piercings, tattoos, waxes, high heeled shoes) but this kind of self-abuse is baffling to me. I'm never doing this again. The experience was thoroughly disgusting in every sense of the word. Furthermore it makes me regard the bottle blondes I see in a completely different and unsexy light. I look at them and I see scabs, dandruff, insecurity and a whole lot of trying too hard. Am I a complete asshole for seeing this in all these women? Quite possibly. But I just can't justify that kind of pain for having blonde freaking hair.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


someone i know please buy this shirt