Friday, January 8, 2010

My Mickey Rourke Movie Marathon

Recently, after discovering he was smokin' hot in 1986 (thanks, Google Image Search!), I decided to have a Mickey Rourke movie marathon. Because 2010 is the year of the overshare (ahem*formspring*ahem), here is a rundown of the films/my experiences.

#1 Angel Heart (1987)
Mickey Rourke is a chainsmoking 1950s "big city" PI investigating some shit for Satan (Robert DeNiro) and Lisa Bonet slits a chicken's throat & wipes the blood all over her face & titties. And then she bones Mickey Rourke. What?? C.

#2 Nine and a Half Weeks (1986)
This movie has no plot whatsoever. It's just a bunch of sex scenes and disturbing power plays. This film gets a half a grade bump solely for the tightness of Rourke's abs. I mean he really stepped it up. But why is this movie even famous/memorable? Oh yeah: tits. Kim Basinger bones Mickey Rourke every 90 seconds, and shows her tits like 40 times. Truthfully, this movie is pretty damn unwatchable. Rourke plays a total creep and Basinger is the Dipshit Woman who does whatever he says. This movie tries so hard to be someone's sexual fantasy... not mine. D- (for the abs).

#3 Rumble Fish (1983)
This movie gets bonus points for a) getting RHCP's "Righteous & the Wicked" stuck in my head b) teaching me that at one point in time Matt Dillon was reasonably attractive not so heinously fug c) making me remember how gorgeous Diane Lane is and how Streets of Fire is a freaking awesome movie. But god damnit I really can't deal with Nicolas Cage. Luckily for that bipedal bloodhound and his director uncle, 1980s Sexy Mickey Rourke is a dreamboat in black and white. I'm not gonna lie, I fell asleep after about 20 minutes, but this movie made me want Botox. In good faith regarding the 70 minutes I did not see, I rate this film a C (too much Dillon and Cage, and Rourke's face was very sweaty).